A little bit extra
For those who need a bit more help...
How do I get my child to sleep?
Some of us fall sleep easily, others don’t, so don’t automatically blame yourself if your baby is not sleeping. Their personality will play a big part!
Like adults, all children have a period of light sleep, once every hour or so during the night, when they can be partially or completely wake. Your child will want to fall asleep in the same way in the day, at bedtime and when she wakes in the night. So if your baby is used to falling asleep in your arms, she will want to be held again to fall back to sleep during the night. If she has learnt to fall asleep without you she is more likely to fall back to sleep on her own in the night.
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Teaching your child to sleep without your intervention
Many children learn to fall asleep while sucking on a dummy bottle or breast. The three methods I recommend involve letting your child fall asleep on their own, without drinks, replacement dummies or parental entertainment. Choose which would suit you and your child best from Controlled Crying, the Checking or the Elastic Band Method.
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(i) Controlled crying
Controlled crying is a common choice for many parents because it is very effective when carried out consistently. After your bedtime routine:
- Say ‘go to sleep now, night-night’ and leave the room - even if she is crying and calling for you.
- Return after a minute. If you feel stronger and are able to, leave her alone for two to three minutes.
- Go to reassure her - but try to be as boring as possible. Whatever you do don’t lift her up!
- Leave fairly promptly saying ‘go to sleep now, night-night’.
- Repeat the process again, lengthening the gap between your visits by five minutes. Don’t leave her any longer than twenty minutes at any one go.
- Keep going with the routine at a pace that you can manage.If your baby has been blessed with an effective pair of lungs, this method can be hard going at first, but actually has a very good track record of success. If she wakes in the night you should go through exactly the same process again. If it’s going to work, it’ll happen within a week or so.
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Key points to remember are:
- Try and build up the length of time you leave your baby as soon as you can.
- Never leave your baby to cry on her own for more than twenty minutes at a time.
- Try to give her as little eye contact or attention as possible when you go to her. Make your visit as boring and mundane as possible. Resist all temptation to pick her up and cuddle her!
- Be consistent night after night.
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(ii) The Elastic Band
This is a particularly good method if you've tried leaving your child before, but have been exhausted by her ability to cry for long periods. It works for parents and children who’ve found controlled crying methods too traumatic, because you offer your child reassurance by staying with her, but give no other incentive to stay awake.
It's a method which comes across as hard work for parents, but it has a good success rate and can be gentler for babies and parents alike.
The Elastic Band method works by teaching your child to fall asleep on her own while you stay with her in the room. You stay until she falls asleep, making sure that she can see you and knows that you are still nearby for her.
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The Elastic Band method is based on a number of key actions:
- After your bedtime routine, always stay within your child's line of vision and don’t leave the room until she’s asleep.
- You should never make eye contact with your child once you've put her in her cot. This is vitally important. Focussing on another part of the child's body (i.e. her shoulder or her tummy) can help.
- You begin by placing her in her cot, asking her to stay lying there, and then move slowly backwards and forwards between her cot and her bedroom door. This is the 'elastic band' bit - you leave her cotside, only to return again, perhaps thirty seconds later. Gradually stretch the time between your visits to the cot, like stretching an elastic band.
- Try to keep interaction with her to the absolute minimum until she falls asleep, but if your child is upset, you can reassure her with your touch - hold her hand and even hug her - as long as her bottom stays touching the cot. Again, though, don’t look at her!
- You can only leave the room once she is asleep.
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It may be difficult to visualise yourself wandering backwards and forwards between her cot and the door for hours on end (especially if your child's room is really tiny), but it really does work. By being there you build up a trust between you and your child that increases her confidence to fall asleep without the fear of being left alone.
When she wakes in the night you do the same thing all over again – walking up and down from her side to the door and back, touch her as long as she’s lying down, and stay with her until she’s fallen asleep. Do this every time she wakes.
Your child might be stunned and angry at your refusal to pick her up or give her any attention, but she won’t cry due to fear of being left. Mums and dads who’ve tried this technique say their child’s reaction is much less distressing and that it is easier to put into practice because they know their child is not scared, just cross.
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(iii) Checking
Checking is a good method for all ages from babies of three months to school aged children. This method is similar in concept to the Elastic Band approach because it reassures your child that you are nearby and helps you to know that your child is safe and well. The main difference, however, is you don’t stay in your child’s room.
Unlike flat packaged storage units from your local DIY store, the Checking method has easy to follow instructions! After saying 'It's bed-time, go to sleep now' you leave your child to go to sleep. If you have a young baby, wait for two minutes before going back to her and repeat the same ‘night night’ message. For older children, five-minute intervals work better. So whichever you chose, simply pop in again after the same time interval (no more, no less), recite your bedtime message like a broken record and leave again. Repeat this routine until she falls asleep. You'll need a watch to time each two or five minute interval.
Many parents who’ve tried this say the five minutes goes so quickly that they’ve barely left their child before they are due to go and reassure them again. They don’t have time to pace up and down the landing feeling like wretched, evil parents. Knowing that they are going back to their child so soon makes them feel less guilty and, as a result, more confident when they do return to her. This in turn, helps their child feel more confident about being left to go to sleep.
The golden rule, again, is be as boring as possible and don't pick your child up. And you must stick to your plan like superglue – don’t give in after a few nights or you’ll have wasted all your hard work!
After three to six nights, most children give in and sleep well, having learnt that, although mum or dad always come back, they don’t pay them any nice attention. Their crying simply isn't bringing the same rewards as before.
However, for a small number of children this method doesn't work at all. Each time you go in, the child will become more and more hysterical. So if you've tried this for an hour or more to no effect, try either the Elastic Band method or the controlled crying method.
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